Baby Makes Three
by brennan8319
Summary: AU Alex and Piper are moms. A series of one shots as moments in the lives of...
1. Chapter 1

These two will be the end of me, I swear. Now they're having a baby in my head and I can't function unless I get it out, so of course I'm going to do that here. Each chapter will be like a snapshot in the lives of Vauseman as moms and it'll be mostly funny and fluffy (god I miss them so fucking much T_T).

This first is the beginning of it all, but the following installments might not be in chronological order because each can be taken as a stand-alone story. I'll make sure the read is obvious or at least leave a note to tell you where we're at with them if it's not:)

* * *

… **And Baby Makes Three**

Piper walked into the front room to find Alex halfway through a slice of pizza and nose deep in What To Expect When You're Expecting. She'd given her wife an extensive reading list when she was in her first trimester, but in true Alex fashion, she'd spent the past few months putting it off and making excuses about how there was over enough time, and picked up the first of the books three days ago. Well, their time was pretty much up.

She bit her bottom lip as she watched the brunette, a slight crease in her brow showing the extent of her concentration as she read. Piper was grateful for the pause the moment was given because while Alex wasn't noticing her standing there, she could try and figure out a way to break the news. It would have to be plain and simple and to the point. The closer they got to the due date, the more freaked out Alex had become and Piper didn't need that now. More than ever, she needed Alex to keep her shit together.

"Al?"

"Mm?" Alex hummed through closed lips without looking up – her mouth still chewing.

"It's time."

"Sure, I'll be right there," she mumbled without looking up.

"Alex…"

"Ha! Have you seen the pictures in this thing? How old is this book?"

"Alex!"

"What?" She finally lifted her eyes from the book to look at Piper.

"I'm in labor." Plain. Simple. To the point.

"What do you mean?" Apparently not plain and simple enough. Alex looked like she really had no idea what Piper was talking about.

"Well, let's take some time to talk about the various meanings I'm in labor could have, shall we?" Really, her patience was growing thin.

"I don't get it." Alex took another bite of pizza, watching Piper with mild interest.

"You don't get it. Okay…" Piper walked over to her, standing with her considerable baby bump right in Alex's face. "You know the baby that's been inside of me for the past few months? It's coming out."

"Bullshit." And then she laughed.

Of all the ways Piper imagined this moment playing out, this was not one of them. She figured Alex might freak out, lose her shit, be a nervous wreck… but to check out completely? She watched as Alex went back to the book in her hand and after a few seconds, when her wife realized she wasn't moving, she looked up again.

"What?"

Piper sat down beside her and took her face in both her hands. "Alex, can you hear me?"

"What are you talking about? Of course I can hear you." She tried to pull her face free but Piper tightened her grip to keep her in place.

"Okay, so hear this: Alex, the baby's coming."

"That's impossible." It came out muffled because of the way Piper was squeezing down on her cheeks. "You're 37. The book said 40."

"Yeah well, you can write them an angry email after you get me to the hospital." She dropped her hands and grabbed for her lower back, grimacing as a nauseating wave of pain signaled the start of a contraction.

"This can't be happening." And now that the penny seemed to have dropped, the actual reaction Piper was expecting started growing in intensity. "I haven't finished my reading list. She can't be coming, Pipes. Do something! She can't be-"

"Are you kidding me right now? Do something? Like what, Alex? Tell her to wait three weeks because you're not ready? Aaaaghhh..." The pain was intensifying and Piper tried to breathe and massage her way through it. While comforting Alex into some kind of state where she'd be of some help to her. "I'll talk to her about how important it is to keep to a schedule when she gets here okay? But right now I need you. So snap out of it!" She watched Alex stare at her belly as if in a trance, not moving a muscle.

And then she took another bite of pizza.

"Alex! For god's sake!"

"What? What am I supposed to do?"

"The plan! Get the plan!"

"I'm not ready for this. This can't be happening."

"Get the fucking plan!" she bellowed and fell into another moan as a new spasm started up, stronger than the last.

Alex jumped up, the sight of Piper in pain sending her into a frenzy. "The plan. The plan. The refrigerator!" She ran to the kitchen, disappearing from Piper's sight in a flurry of hair and nervous mumbling. She was back a few seconds later, a piece of paper gripped in her trembling hands. "Okay, bag… check. Check, right? You packed the bag?"

"I asked you to do it two weeks ago!" Piper was on her knees, leaning over the coffee table and practicing controlled breathing.

"No you didn't. I distinctly remember you saying that you were going to-"

"Change of clothes for me, change of clothes for baby, soap, toothbrush, just… go!" It came through gritted teeth.

Alex disappeared again. For much longer this time and Piper was just starting to think that she'd gone to the bedroom to assume the fetal position when the brunette stormed back into the front room, suitcase in hand.

"You should see what I picked out for her. You know the cute little onesie with the-"

"Alex!… Car!" Piper was struggling to lift herself to her feet, taking the rare opportunity for normal movement that occurred between contractions.

"Right. Got it. I'll show you later."

Piper held out her hand to Alex for some help but she fled by without so much as a passing glance. Piper heard the front door open, footsteps hurry across the porch, fade down the steps… and then nothing.

A roll of the eyes, a tired shake of the head and "One… two… three… really? four… five…" The sound of an engine starting up filtered in through the front door that was left open. "I'm going to fucking kill her…" Piper breathed through tight lips as the waves of pain started up again.

She listened as the car rolled out of the driveway and then heard a sudden screech of brakes. Car door slamming, hurried footsteps coming up the steps, across the porch and then:

"I thought you were right behind me I swear."

 **Oitnb**

"Pregnant lady coming through!"

"Honestly, Alex, you don't have to keep saying that and are you… are you riding the back of this wheelchair?!" Piper felt a jerk that told her she was right and the ride suddenly smoothed out and became a lot slower.

"Killjoy," was mumbled above her and Piper rolled her eyes. In a few hours she was going to have a new baby to go with her fully grown one.

Admissions, bed, labor ward. Nurses breezed in and out of the room, offering Piper pieces of ice as they came and words of encouragement as they left. An entire hand went inside her and the doctor attached to it declared that she was fully dilated and the baby was crowning.

"She's wearing a crown? No wonder it hurts."

"Can you stop with the saying of stupid things? You're not helping. I need you to help me!"

"I'm just trying to lighten the mood. I don't know how else to help."

"Just… hold my hand… say nice things." Piper threw her head back as she was gripped by another strong contraction.

"Nice things," Alex said and tried to bite back laughter as she stroked the hair from Piper's forehead that had become matted in the sweat there.

"I swear to god, Alex…"

"Okay, okay, I'm done."

"I should've taken the drugs." Piper tightened her vice-like grip on Alex's hand. "It feels like it's coming out of my ass!"

"Oh my god, that's so gross. Is that normal? That can't be normal. Is she lost?" Alex ripped her hand from Piper's and ran out of the ward.

"Alex, where are you-"

"Help!" She heard her wife calling out in the hallway. "We need help! The baby's coming out of her ass!"

Alex reappeared with a nurse by her side and she rushed to take Piper's hand again, while the nurse checked the monitor hooked up to her bump.

"Don't worry, sweetheart. The pressure from the head moving down the birth canal makes it feel that way. You're going to want to push, but don't. The doctor will be with you soon and he'll walk you through it."

"I have to push." Piper lifted herself up on her elbows. "I have to push now!"

Strong hands on her shoulders guided her back down again. "Right now is when being a mom really starts. Now you do what's best for baby, whether it hurts you or not. Okay? Can you do that?"

Piper nodded and spent the next few minutes trying to focus on anything else but the urgent need to rip the baby out of her and have it over and done with. And then the doctor was there and her legs were being hoisted into stirrups and surprisingly, the smart-ass commentary from Alex came to an end, as they both became entirely consumed by the moment and she was finally allowed to push...

"Good job, Mommy. Here, look what your hard work got you." The nurse opened Piper's gown and gently placed a naked, gooey bundle on her exposed chest.

"Oh my god." The tears came without warning and without any sign of stopping. "I can't believe you're here. Welcome to the world, my sweet," she whispered against the soft, smudgy head beneath her chin.

"She smells kinda funky," Alex tried to joke, but her tone was one of utter bewilderment. She rested her head against Piper's and kept her eyes fixed on the tiny human that was somehow making her eyes water and her heart burn.

"She's beautiful."

"You're beautiful. And I love you." No jokes. No smart-mouthed one-liners. The moment was pure and Alex was pure in it.

Piper felt a lingering kiss on her temple and closed her eyes to the feeling – the feeling of being loved from all sides. She did it. Her heart was successfully ripped in two now. And she couldn't be happier.


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the reviews guys:) Glad you're enjoying it. Here's another... lol

* * *

 **...Pretty in Pink**

The last of the visitors had left and the new moms were alone with their new baby for the first time in hours. No nurses, no check-ups…

Alex stood a few feet from the hospital bed and looked at Piper looking at the little bundle in her arms, her face an open display of love and contentment like she'd never seen in her before. If she wasn't on a high before, she sure was now, Alex thought. Because in all their years together and through everything they'd been through, she'd never felt love for Piper like she did in that moment. Piper looked up, a wide, giddy smile on her face.

"What are you doing?" Alex asked.

"I'm holding our baby out to you. You haven't held her yet."

"Are you crazy?"

"It has to happen some time."

"Yeah, in the next two or three years, maybe."

"Al, come on. Just take her." Piper extended the pink bundle again.

Alex shook her head slowly and backed away from them, like if she got too close, the baby would turn into a raging beast and rip her throat out. "Should I take you back to our first Thanksgiving?"

"Oh my god, really?"

"I had one job, Pipes. Take the turkey from the kitchen to the dinner table. Simple. Straightforward."

"You didn't realize how hot the platter would be when you picked it up and are you comparing our daughter to a turkey?"

"Equally important when taken in context. On that day, that turkey was the most important thing in our lives. And I dropped it. I'm not taking any chances with her."

"But she's so soft… and smells soooo good…"

"Maybe later," Alex mumbled awkwardly.

"Yeah?"

"Or when she's old enough to break a fall I need coffee or just... to leave." And she walked out of the room before Piper could make any kind of protest.

 **Oitnb**

"They're just going to let us take her? Just like that? Do they know who we are?" Alex was pacing in front of the bed and Piper's passivity was only making her anxiety rise in leaps and bounds.

"Al, it's going to be fine." That tone again. Since the baby was born, Piper had been in a constant state of giddiness, like she was high, and when she spoke it was in this quiet voice that Alex found endearing at first but now it just grated her last nerve.

"It's a real live baby, Pipes!"

"She… she's a real live baby."

"I'm always driving into the speaker at drive-thru's, most of my sneakers have Velcro ties and you – you burn your mouth on food that's too hot because you don't think to check the temperature first and… and… you never finish anything..."

"I finish things."

"Oh yeah? Name one thing you started and finished in the past year."

"Pregnancy," Piper replied without missing a beat.

"Only because you didn't have a choice!"

"Shhhh, keep it down. You're going to wake her."

Alex forgot her rant for a second to look at the baby in the crib beside her mother's bed. The tiniest fist slammed into her nose a few times and then the squirming started. And then the crying.

Piper immediately leaned over and scooped her up, rocking her gently against her chest. The cry became a whimper and then silence. "All of this is still new to her, Al. Loud noises can be startling. And you need to stop freaking out."

"The situation calls for excessive freaking out and I don't understand how you can't see that," she whispered, her voice so high it was almost gone.

"Alex…"

"What?"

"You want to see her toes?"

"What?" There she goes again… tripping on baby hormones…

"I took a peek earlier when you went to the bathroom."

"You unswaddled the baby? You're not allowed to do that. There can be no unswaddling of the baby. The nurse specifically said… what did they look like?" Curiosity got the better of her.

"They're these tiny little pink little perfectly tiny nubbies and it's like each one of them just breaks your heart. And she's got ten!" Piper absolutely beamed and she was already unswaddling the baby on the bed in front of her.

Alex stepped closer. She couldn't help herself. "Okay fine. But just one. I don't think I can stand ten heartbreaks right now."

 **Oitnb**

The maternity ward was wrapped in a soft silence that could only come from a community of women who understood that they were in the company of life's most precious things. Alex dozed in the armchair beside Piper's bed, the freak out from earlier not forgotten but simply internalized to racing thoughts of everything that could go wrong. The doctor would be doing his rounds in an hour and if everything checked out, they were going home. Alex prayed that he would get held up somewhere and miss his rounds, forcing them to stay at least another night. The sun was burning deep orange through the window, casting an ethereal glow around the room, and her droopy eyes fell on the little crib on the other side of the bed, its sole inhabitant snoozing soundly like her mother. Safe and sound. Alex let her eyes drop. Her girls were fine and it had been a harrowing day so far. A power nap might be just what she needed to shake off the edginess.

A whimper. Alex's eyes flew open but her body was frozen, every muscle tensed in what was commonly known as the body's flight or fight response. Another whimper. She sat up straight and peered over Piper's sleeping form to look into the crib. The soundly snoozing baby was no longer sound nor snoozing and actually doing a good job of wriggling despite the super swaddle the nurse had perfected at her last check-in.

"Pipes…Piper…"

But her wife was sleeping like the dead. Alex rested her hand on Piper's shoulder and was just about to give her a shake when she stopped herself. She'd been through a lot and a rested mommy was a happy mommy according to something she heard or read or made up because oh god it was starting to full on cry now. Well, if it's hungry then she would have to wake Piper anyway. But you should check first, Alex. Maybe she just needs to be changed. Or held. Oh god.

Alex pushed up from the chair. Standing. Okay. Now walk over there. She stood rooted to the spot for a few more seconds before her body started to move. She rounded the bed slowly and crept up to the crib. A grimace worked its way onto her face as the cries cut through her. She glanced up at Piper but the woman was snoring peacefully. How was she not hearing this?

"Shhhh…." She said and rested her hands on the side of the crib, watching the bundle wriggle and complain inside it. "Shhhhh… Mommy's sleeping. So I'm going to pick you up now. Hear me kid? In a minute you're going to feel hands you haven't felt before. And they might be a little shaky but that's only because they don't know what the hell they're doing. But… they love you... so… they're going to try their best, okay? Okay. I'm coming in…" Alex lowered her trembling hands into the crib. "I'm going to need you to help me out here. No sudden movements." She slipped her hands under the bundle and slowly lifted it up and onto her chest. Instinctively her nose pressed against the soft, fuzzy flesh of the exposed head and Alex inhaled deeply. "Oh god, she was right. You do smell good." She backed away from the side of the bed with a rhythmic bounce in her step and the crying started to fade and now she was left with a mild whimpering. "Rocking… I'm rocking… this is working. We're rocking the baby. Yeah, you're a little rock star, aren't you?" Now Alex was pacing the room but unlike previously, there was nothing anxious or terrified about it. Each step was a bounce matched with a gentle sideways rock and each rock brought the baby closer to quiet contentment.

Piper drifted out of sleep to the sound of quiet talking next to her. She recognized Alex's voice and when she opened her eyes, that wide smile was back. Her wife was in the armchair beside her and cradled in her arms was a quiet and happy baby. The baby she refused to touch a few hours ago. Tears sprung up in Piper's eyes as she took in the sight of them sitting there and she fought the urge to sniffle in case it ruined their moment.

"Now your mom would probably argue and tell you it was the Friday and not the Wednesday," Alex was saying to the sleeping bundle of pink in her arms. "But you'll learn that when it comes to getting straight facts, I'm the mom you need. Frills and stuff? Definitely her. What else? Oh, the whole sharing of the boobs thing… I mean, I get that sacrifices have to be made and you need to live and all… but seriously, if you love me, you'll wean early and take the bottle. I know your mom and she won't let me near those things if you're using them. We all have our needs, kid. And we look out for each other because we're family. That's lesson twelve and thirteen respectively. Fourteen: Taco Tuesdays…"

Piper listened to Alex go on and on, the gentle tone of her voice lifting her up and carrying her back to where she came. She let her eyes drop and allowed herself to drift off. Her girls were fine.


	3. Chapter 3

A few things:

1\. Thanks for taking time to review these snippets. It feels good to know I'm not only indulging myself with Baby Vauseman fluff lol

2\. I'm open to prompts so hit me up (is that even how people say it anymore? idk). But my ideas can only go so far...

3\. One guest reviewer expressed concern about BB. This is me telling you to rest easy. Big chapter coming up and I would die trying to do it justice. Your update is a-comin...

* * *

… **Going Home**

"Did you see her?" Piper asked as they got off the elevator and into the entrance hall of the hospital.

"Honestly, I couldn't figure out why she wasn't latching in the first place. I mean, if it were me…"

"That's not funny."

"Considering my recent banishment from your body, I agree, so not funny." Alex held the door open for Piper to pass through.

"I'm just glad we could stay another night, you know. Having people around who knew what they were doing really helped me not freak out about it."

Alex watched as her wife walked out with their baby, her passing statement about people who knew what they were doing stinging a little more than she was ready for, and it took a while before she followed.

"You sure you read the instructions when you did it?" Piper asked as they came up to their car.

"For the hundredth time, Piper…" Alex gave an exasperated sigh as she stuffed the suitcase into the trunk of the SUV, before making her way around to open the back door.

"And you checked it after? That it was stable?"

"You're really going to make me do it, aren't you?"

"Do what?"

"Punch you in the face."

"Al, I just want to be sure that she's safe."

"And I don't." And the two got locked in a stare down – Alex holding the door open and Piper making no move to place the baby inside. And then:

"Can you just check it again? Just so I can see. I want to see for myself."

"Wow, way to display your major distrust in me in front of our child, Pipes."

"Please don't. I don't want to fight. Not today."

"There…" Alex reached in and wiggled the seat around, a bit more aggressively than necessary. "See? It's totally stable. Like I told you." She didn't know why she was so pissed off. Piper was just being Piper.

Alex stepped aside so she could settle the baby. She watched as careful hands released their protective hold and gently lowered the bundle into the seat. A few adjustments were made to the blanky, chin, sticking out hand, and then she started with the straps.

"Let me," Alex pushed forward, inadvertently knocking Piper aside in the process. "I can do it."

"Are you sure?"

There was that tone again. Alex pursed her lips and tried to brush it aside but she could feel her temper rising. It was enough that she was scared out of her mind about whether she could do this or not. It hurt like hell to know that Piper was questioning the very same thing about her. She bent over the baby and lightly lifted the three straps. Piper was practically laying over her with her ever-watchful eye as she worked and it took some doing from Alex to push that aside too.

"There has to be a click," her wife's voice came from behind her.

"I know," she replied and it was through gritted teeth because of her tense focus on getting the two side straps lined up so they could clip into the one at the bottom.

"No, I mean you actually have to hear it."

Alex's hands fumbled and the straps fell apart. "Piper could you just-" And then the baby started fussing.

"Oh no, she's fussing."

"You don't say." Alex deadpanned as she awkwardly fished for one of the straps that had disappeared under the baby's blanket.

"Could you hurry up? People are staring."

"They're staring because I'm hot. Ah, got it!"

"Stop kidding around."

"And you stop being a pain in the ass. Aaaand we're done!" She emerged from the car red-faced but triumphant and straight into the face of Piper, on the verge of tears. "Shit, are you…? Babe don't… don't cry. Shit, I didn't mean-"

"I didn't hear a click," Piper mumbled as she dried her eyes and the guilt Alex felt for making her cry quickly turned into irritation. Angry irritation that she was now fighting hard to keep in check.

"There was a click."

"I didn't hear it."

"It was a silent click. Would you just get in?"

"A silent click? A silent click is no click, Alex. It has to be audible. You have to hear it click."

"Say click one more time. I dare you."

Piper reached into the car and used one finger to test the strap. It fell apart at the lightest touch and she looked up at Alex with her most infuriating I-told-you-so face.

"It must be defective. Take the baby and I'll go return it."

"What? Alex, it's not defective."

"It clearly is! I did everything you're supposed to do and it won't click. It'll take me an hour, max. I'll just make the exchange and come right back to get you guys. Maybe get a different brand because this one's obviously-" The end of her sentence was interrupted by a click. An audible one.

"See? Not defective," Piper said as she emerged from the car with a smile on her face that Alex couldn't bear look at.

She shook her head and without saying another word, got into the car. Piper checked the baby once more before going around and sliding onto the back seat beside her. Alex glanced in the rearview mirror and watched as Piper fussed and fawned over the baby, the softness of her expression melting away whatever frustration Alex was feeling at the time, leaving her nothing more than a warm and fuzzy mess. This was them now. A family. And they were going home.

"Okay, we ready to go?" Alex turned the ignition.

"You need to slow down!"

"Pipes, we haven't started moving yet."

"You haven't read about the crazy statistics for road accident deaths?"

"People die every day."

"Oh my god!"

"We're dying as we're sitting here."

"Stop it. Just stop. And go. But slowly!" They backed out of the parking space and pulled away. "Slower!"

Alex just shook her head (for the nth time that morning) but kept the car going at a crawling pace of no more than forty miles an hour. Raging hormones and new mommy sludge brain were not to be toyed with. "That okay?"

"Perfect." And then: "I wish you could see her right now."

"Why? What's she doing?"

"Nothing. But I just wish it anyway…"

Alex stole another glance at Piper in the rearview mirror and smiled softly. "Yeah, me too."


End file.
